Saturday, February 22, 2014
Untitled
Sometimes you give and give and give and they're all too glad to take. But when you need something, even the littlest thing, they will never return the favor. Yet, you keep helping. Everyone around you tells you to give up, you deserve better, she doesn't want help, why keep trying? For some reason I can't. I know I'm being used. I know I should never expect anything back. But I just keep giving; heart, mind and soul. So many tears, so many fears. Fears that she'll get hurt, both emotionally and physically, and fears that she'll lead a terrible life full of bad characters and bad decisions. I was supposed to get her out of that life. That's really all she ever wanted from me, but I failed. Now I'm trying my best to make up for my failure, but she won't let me. She wants to make bad decisions. She wants to keep people in her life that are bad for her. I try and I try and I give and I give. I get nothing for it. Not even the satisfaction of making a difference. Not even any friendship in return. I'm just there to be used as needed. Yet, for some reason beyond all reason and stupidity and hopelessness, I always will be.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Letting Go
Despite all your efforts to keep them afloat, sometimes you just gotta watch them sink to rock bottom before you can help them up...
I just had to give up on someone. Somebody that I really care about and want nothing but the best for. I cry for her, stay up at nights worrying, and spend whole days depressed when she's having problems.
But now, I just have allow her to make bad decisions and wait until the consequences force her to decide to help herself. I tried so damn hard. I thought she wanted my help. It sure seemed that way the night he bashed in her windshield with his fists. The night she called me over to be with her and I went despite all advice from everyone around me. I stayed until after 1 a.m. when she was starting to fall asleep.
The next day, I went shopping for her, brought her lunch, and spent all day with her because I didn't want her to be alone and she had stayed up all night cursing this man and dealing with the cops. Plus, the windshield was too cracked and broken to drive the car to work. I stayed as long as I could until I had to leave and some other people came by to bring her dinner. I texted to check on her when I was able again...She never returned my text. It was somewhat late, so she must've just been asleep. She got a ride to work the next day from a co-worker.
Just a week before this incident, she called me sobbing from a bathroom stall. He had left her at a bar with no ride and had seemingly left her for good. As would happen the next week, she cursed the guy and said how terrible he was. She told me she was running background checks on him and didn't trust him. I heard all kinds of terrible things about him. So I figured it was over. Who just leaves someone somewhere without a car and never returns? She was crying and heartbroken, I had never seen her like that. I went home after she had calmed down and she was scared for my safety that he might return.
He had also left her car dismantled and with a broken radiator. I spent the next day calling around looking for used radiators and offered to buy it for her, but she seemed to lose interest the next day.
That following day, I found out that I couldn't cover her vehicle and had to take her off my insurance. I texted to tell her I needed to talk about something. She replied "What is it? I'm tired and have to be up at 4a.m."
So, she has no car, doesn't need a ride from me, and is leaving for work at 4:30 a.m. Using my basic logic skills, I figured out that she must have someone staying the night. I waited until the next day to bring it up.
The night of the bar incident, I stayed up checking his public records. I knew he was a bad guy already but found out even more. And it was scary. She was lucky to get away from him.
But, come to find out, my instincts were true. He was back. I texted her telling her how stupid it was, that he's an alcoholic, that it'll only get worse, he's a criminal, etc...
She didn't care. She took him back.
Not more than a week later I get a call, "You were right."
He had smashed her windshield with his fists as she was driving. He had been drinking all day. The cops were called and he was forced to leave. Glass was all inside the car. She went off about how he better not even try to come back. She was gonna get him good for doing this. Press charges, get a conviction, send him to jail...
The judge gave him 48 hours to have the windshield fixed. This was a Wednesday. She called me Thursday afternoon and wanted me to drop everything I was doing, use my AAA card to get it towed, have it done for a $100 and he would pay her back. Yeah, right. He owes $50,000 in unpaid taxes and child support. Owes $756 for a battery charge from 10 years ago, $260 for a public intoxication charge, and owes money all over town. I refused. She went on to tell me that I'm never there for her and that she doesn't have any real friends. And this is supposed to be about HER best interests. In my mind it was.
From what I heard the night he had smashed the windshield, I thought she wanted this guy charged and held accountable. So, I told her instead of letting this guy off for $100 that he'd never pay back, I would pick her up and drop her off on Friday and be her personal taxi all day. She said okay. We could get it fixed Saturday after the 48 hours was up and he would be charged. I kept texting her about making sure to only let him leave voice mails and return only with texts, so there's records of everything. I was playing lawyer and kept coming up with and texting ideas. She just started ignoring me. In hindsight, I realize she was probably already with him the entire time.
I went to go pick her for work Friday morning, as was the plan. Got up at 4 a.m. and drove to her apartment and knocked on the door. Guess who answers the door? At five in the morning...
He doesn't really like me ("faggot" is how he likes to refer to me), is apparently a former professional fighter, and obviously has a violent streak. I've never been in a fight in my life. And here I am face to face with this criminal, next to a third floor metal and concrete staircase. Luckily, nothing happened.
I just left and texted, "Are you f'n serious?" "Do you want him there? Should I call police?" "You are ridiculously stupid". May not have been the right thing to do, but I was angry, confused and just all around dumbstruck.
Then, all day Friday I hear about how I need to stay out of her life. That she's a grown woman and can do whatever she wants. All I had been doing was trying to help. I thought she wanted this guy out of her life. But, it turns out, in the course of an afternoon, I had somehow turned from a co-conspirator making sure this guy got held accountable into a burden getting in the way of her having meaningless sex with a violent and alcoholic criminal. My bad.
I just had to give up on someone. Somebody that I really care about and want nothing but the best for. I cry for her, stay up at nights worrying, and spend whole days depressed when she's having problems.
But now, I just have allow her to make bad decisions and wait until the consequences force her to decide to help herself. I tried so damn hard. I thought she wanted my help. It sure seemed that way the night he bashed in her windshield with his fists. The night she called me over to be with her and I went despite all advice from everyone around me. I stayed until after 1 a.m. when she was starting to fall asleep.
The next day, I went shopping for her, brought her lunch, and spent all day with her because I didn't want her to be alone and she had stayed up all night cursing this man and dealing with the cops. Plus, the windshield was too cracked and broken to drive the car to work. I stayed as long as I could until I had to leave and some other people came by to bring her dinner. I texted to check on her when I was able again...She never returned my text. It was somewhat late, so she must've just been asleep. She got a ride to work the next day from a co-worker.
Just a week before this incident, she called me sobbing from a bathroom stall. He had left her at a bar with no ride and had seemingly left her for good. As would happen the next week, she cursed the guy and said how terrible he was. She told me she was running background checks on him and didn't trust him. I heard all kinds of terrible things about him. So I figured it was over. Who just leaves someone somewhere without a car and never returns? She was crying and heartbroken, I had never seen her like that. I went home after she had calmed down and she was scared for my safety that he might return.
He had also left her car dismantled and with a broken radiator. I spent the next day calling around looking for used radiators and offered to buy it for her, but she seemed to lose interest the next day.
That following day, I found out that I couldn't cover her vehicle and had to take her off my insurance. I texted to tell her I needed to talk about something. She replied "What is it? I'm tired and have to be up at 4a.m."
So, she has no car, doesn't need a ride from me, and is leaving for work at 4:30 a.m. Using my basic logic skills, I figured out that she must have someone staying the night. I waited until the next day to bring it up.
The night of the bar incident, I stayed up checking his public records. I knew he was a bad guy already but found out even more. And it was scary. She was lucky to get away from him.
But, come to find out, my instincts were true. He was back. I texted her telling her how stupid it was, that he's an alcoholic, that it'll only get worse, he's a criminal, etc...
She didn't care. She took him back.
Not more than a week later I get a call, "You were right."
He had smashed her windshield with his fists as she was driving. He had been drinking all day. The cops were called and he was forced to leave. Glass was all inside the car. She went off about how he better not even try to come back. She was gonna get him good for doing this. Press charges, get a conviction, send him to jail...
The judge gave him 48 hours to have the windshield fixed. This was a Wednesday. She called me Thursday afternoon and wanted me to drop everything I was doing, use my AAA card to get it towed, have it done for a $100 and he would pay her back. Yeah, right. He owes $50,000 in unpaid taxes and child support. Owes $756 for a battery charge from 10 years ago, $260 for a public intoxication charge, and owes money all over town. I refused. She went on to tell me that I'm never there for her and that she doesn't have any real friends. And this is supposed to be about HER best interests. In my mind it was.
From what I heard the night he had smashed the windshield, I thought she wanted this guy charged and held accountable. So, I told her instead of letting this guy off for $100 that he'd never pay back, I would pick her up and drop her off on Friday and be her personal taxi all day. She said okay. We could get it fixed Saturday after the 48 hours was up and he would be charged. I kept texting her about making sure to only let him leave voice mails and return only with texts, so there's records of everything. I was playing lawyer and kept coming up with and texting ideas. She just started ignoring me. In hindsight, I realize she was probably already with him the entire time.
I went to go pick her for work Friday morning, as was the plan. Got up at 4 a.m. and drove to her apartment and knocked on the door. Guess who answers the door? At five in the morning...
He doesn't really like me ("faggot" is how he likes to refer to me), is apparently a former professional fighter, and obviously has a violent streak. I've never been in a fight in my life. And here I am face to face with this criminal, next to a third floor metal and concrete staircase. Luckily, nothing happened.
I just left and texted, "Are you f'n serious?" "Do you want him there? Should I call police?" "You are ridiculously stupid". May not have been the right thing to do, but I was angry, confused and just all around dumbstruck.
Then, all day Friday I hear about how I need to stay out of her life. That she's a grown woman and can do whatever she wants. All I had been doing was trying to help. I thought she wanted this guy out of her life. But, it turns out, in the course of an afternoon, I had somehow turned from a co-conspirator making sure this guy got held accountable into a burden getting in the way of her having meaningless sex with a violent and alcoholic criminal. My bad.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
The Ocean of Human Emotion
Every action is a rock dropped into the waters of human consciousness that reverberates and meets the waves of other actions to create a worldwide ocean of shared emotion. Some actions are small pebbles and some actions are huge boulders.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)