A Lonely Paradox

Loneliness can be a heavy burden. Stuck in your own mind as it plays its dirty tricks. You want to let them escape, but not a listening ear is around. Isolated and alone, you reach out to people and nobody seems to care. The hopelessness of your situation arises. It's not even worth the effort. It will only make you feel more alone. Each resulting silence screams back at you. Making the loneliness echo in your head. You give up. You resign yourself to being alone with irrational thoughts and dealing with them by yourself. You're lonely and want to be around people and interact with them, but the futility makes it all seem worthless. Why try? Why not just sit and revel in your own shit? It won't make it any better, but it won't make it any worse. Being lonely and isolated is much better than being lonely in a crowd. At least isolation brings about a certain comfort that you're lonely on your own terms. It's not that nobody wants to talk to you, but that you don't want to talk to anybody. A perverted sense of control, because in reality all you want is to be among a group of friends, experiencing joviality or sharing kind words or just talking, but you somehow twist your own mind into thinking that you want to be alone. That you don't need anybody. Nobody cares anyway, right? You'll just wallow in your own self-pity waiting for it to fade away. You're fine with that. What a self-delusion! You don't want it to fade away. You want someone, anyone, to take it away. But there's nobody there. There's nobody except for all those people you don't want to see. Those who could take it away, but emotional fear overpowers your want. Being an introvert only cultivates those fears. You desperately want human contact, but you also desperately just want to be alone. A mental tug-of-war that seems to have no solution but to give up on the day, give up on people, and hold onto the paralyzing paradox until your eyes slowly begin to shut and the world drifts away. You're finally content with being alone. And a new day awaits.

Waiting on Fate

Nothing but the decision of fate goes through your mind. Sitting there, standing there, pacing, just waiting...There's nothing more you can do. You have no control. You just have to wait. Time is your enemy as the seconds seem to creep by slower and slower. What was once a passing moment has now become a tortuous second. 1/60th of a minute. 1/360th of an hour. It just ticks and ticks, the time between growing ever longer.

You could do things to keep your mind occupied on something else, but how long will that last? How long will it be until your mind refocuses itself on the center of attention you're trying so hard to avoid? It runs and runs in a race with your sanity. But, sanity is slow. It can't keep up.

A moment you've been waiting for in alternating states of dread and excitement has reached its culmination, save this one last step. But that last step is out of your control. You've reached the edge. You can either be pushed into the far depths of despair or pulled away into a state of bliss. But until fate shows up, all you can do is stand there as your mind spins in your skull, gaining momentum with each passing thought and moment. 

Your mind is no longer your own. It has become a slave to a fate which has already been decided for you, but of which you don't know the answer. Somebody's coming to push or pull, but when? Uncontrollable anxiousness over this arrival leaves you desperate, but all you can do is wait...And wait. Fate has left you on the brink, your feet stuck to the ground by the weight of your heavy thoughts. 

As the anxiety of anxiousness takes further control, you find yourself somehow contemplating a desire to be pushed over the edge rather than wait any longer. Just one little push or pull, that's all you need to feel the sweet release of either fate.

You desperately look around hoping for fate to show up. But you see only a vast nothingness around you. Nothing but you and your anticipation. Anxiety riddled, unable to move, afraid that you might fall, but willing to at this point. You can only stand there. Waiting.

You are stuck with your own thoughts as you look over the edge, dizzied by the long drop that could be awaiting you. Without control and knowing only disappointment is awaiting, you keep turning your head to scan the infinite horizon. Hoping to see fate coming over the other edge behind you. But each time you turn you see nothing. Your thoughts become even more weighed down. They twist and turn tying your brain into knots. Painful knots that you cannot untie. Knots that would disappear if only fate would arrive. 

But nothing. Nothing but a vast vacuum of humanity, except for you, the tiny particle standing at the edge, simply there and waiting. Waiting at the final meeting place of doubt and hope as they are at war with each other. Sometimes hope rises up and gains an advantage, but doubt ultimately crushes it. Doubt always wins.

Will fate ever show up? Will you ever see it coming over the horizon? You just wait, teetering at the edge, filled with excruciating apprehension coupled with the last remaining bit of hopeful anticipation. This false hope so often slaughtered by doubt only makes the fall seem more appealing. Sometimes you wish you could just fall forward and decide your own fate. But you have no choice. No control. Fate has it all.

Anxiety is twisting and knotting your mind even tighter with every passing moment and it's your only companion. Waiting with you for fate's arrival. You wonder and wonder why it hasn't shown up. Why is it leaving you there, unable to move and without control.

There's still nothing coming from over the horizon behind you and the sun is beginning to set. You will be soon be left in two darknesses until something else you can't control decides to cast light upon you once again. 

Downtrodden, head heavy, feet stuck, you now begin to wonder if  it will ever show up. Why? That's all your mind can think. What did I do wrong? Where is it? How can fate just leave me here? Just to see a speck of humanity carrying fate's decision is all you're looking for. You don't care if they pull or push at this point. You just want it to be over. But fate has abandoned you. Left you standing in quiet desperation. And all you can do wait.